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Center for Biological Diversity

No. 768, April 1, 2015

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Idaho Governor Caught Stealing Wolves From Yellowstone

Truck with wolves in backIdaho Gov. Butch Otter was arrested Tuesday with a pack of Yellowstone wolves in the back of his pickup truck. He told authorities there simply aren't enough wolves in Idaho to satisfy his state's wolf-killing needs, so he had to restock by removing the wolves from Yellowstone National Park and importing them into the Gem State.

"You guys don't know the pressure I'm under," Otter confessed to police. "First we killed a few dozen a year, then a few hundred, and now we've got a taste for it. I gotta keep the supply chain moving."

Otter admitted that he spent many weekends trolling Yellowstone in his Ford F-250 with T-bones draped off the bumper. Sometimes he captured an entire pack; other times he came home empty-handed and had to face the music. "I learned a long time ago not to come back without wolves, or at least a coyote or two that we could shoot," Otter said. "How do you think my thumbs got broken?"

Curmudgeonly Endangered Species Will Defiantly Take Own Life

Waccamaw fatmucketThe Waccamaw fatmucket, an endangered freshwater mussel native to the Carolinas that has lived in Waccamaw Lake for some 30,000 years, has announced its intention to commit ritual suicide rather than endure the humiliation of being driven extinct by humankind.

Lampsilis fullerkati was only first described in 1984 and has been waiting for Endangered Species Act protection since 1991; the Center for Biological Diversity petitioned for that protection in 2010, and a decision was still pending when the fatmucket issued its press release. Repeatedly dishonored by the doings of humans, the jelly-like organism with a decentralized nervous system will now self-extinguish to avoid further disgrace, it was reported from Columbia County, S.C., today.

In a prepared statement the obscure aquatic bivalve said that the "race of men" produces "nothing but filth. ... A pox upon their house." Said the mollusk: "May the skin apes suffer the torments of the damned."

In an aside, it added, "Oh, and I also want to say goodbye to my good friends the Waccamaw darter and the Waccamaw silverside. Peace out."

Pregnancy Rates Plunge After Oregon Gives Every Man an Accordion

Kieran Suckling with accordionPopulation growth in Oregon has slowed to almost zero, the state reports, in the wake of an initiative to issue accordions to every reproductive-age male. The musical/contraceptive giveaway included a large range of the box-shaped, bellows-driven instruments, running the gamut from Weltmeister piano accordions to Schrammels and British Chromatics.

All types of accordions are apparently equally powerful in reducing the number of romantic hookups -- as well as unplanned pregnancies -- occurring in the Beaver State. The result has been less sprawl and more room for the state's wildlife.

"We're hearing a lot of serenading," said an official in Eugene, Ore. who spoke on condition of anonymity. "A lot of guys standing beneath windows, just, you know, singing along and playing their songs. There's that wheezing sound everywhere ... and we're seeing women turn up their TVs, even sticking some wadded-up Kleenex in their earholes."

The Center's Executive Director Kierán Suckling reports that the accordions are guaranteed effective, even when played by a man wearing a super-sexy black vest.

Feedlot Experts Present New Food Pyramid

Meat pyramidA nutritional food pyramid just published by the education-and-outreach department for the National Alliance of Meatmen establishes bold new guidelines for American diets -- guidelines it says will help Americans make choices about exactly what kinds of food to eat each day.

The bottom section of the daily nutrition pyramid contains ground beef, steaks, pork chops and ribs; the next layer up is mainly composed of cured meats, including bacon, salami, bologna and pepperoni; a third stratum features fast-food meats of unidentified provenance, along with grayish school-cafeteria meatloaf; and at the tip-top of the pyramid is a single glistening corn dog.

Said an industry spokeswoman: "This is a more diverse pyramid than ever. We have all kinds of meats here, so Americans can freely choose. If you're the beef type, great: Go eat the face off a cow. Or if you're more of a hog person, well, here's your chance to gobble up some fatback. My fellow Americans, happy meating!"

Get a closer look at the pyramid and share with your network.

Exploding 'Wind Trains' Wreak Mild Breezes on Unsuspecting Towns

Windblown leavesYet another American community is reeling after a train carrying wind energy from the Great Plains derailed this week, unleashing mild breezes in its wake. Two hats and one freshly raked pile of leaves were lost in the disaster.

Wind-by-rail transport has been on a dramatic rise in the years since new technology allowed midwestern gusts to be captured, stored and transported to wind refineries in New York and California. In 2015 alone wind has been spilled eight times along rail routes, including in Nevada, where an outbreak of chapped lips was reported, and in Indiana, where a toupee was carried into a stream and drowned.

"So many of these 'wind trains' pass right next to our schools," said Pat Gumpter of the National Association of Peeved Parents. "Our children could be assaulted, at any moment, by an unexpected blast of air."

Kierán Suckling
Executive Director

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Photo credits: Illustration of wolves in truck by Clayton Norman, Center for Biological Diversity; fatmucket courtesy USFWS; Kierán Suckling with accordion courtesy Center for Biological Diversity; meat pyramid images courtesy; leaves courtesy Flickr/Joey Gannon.

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