Sweet, sweet coal
Center for     Biological     Diversity   

Trump: Coal Safe to Eat, Drink and Make Sweet, Sweet Love to

In an executive order issued early today, President Donald Trump encouraged all Americans to embrace the fossil fuel known as coal, which, as he tweeted at 2:34 a.m., is a healthy source of everything. Outside its obvious use for generating electricity, the miracle substance can also be sautéed, broiled or fried -- or even liquefied and consumed as an energy beverage, tweeted the commander-in-chief.

In addition, according to the executive order, the black, combustible sedimentary rock can be converted to a powder and sprinkled into the marital bed to spice up tired romance.

"I promise you, you'll absolutely love it. It's the best thing for America. Sprinkle it on your toast, rub it on your body... If you miss out... sad!"

White House Issues 'How to Talk' Guides for Employees

Trump's guideline on talking good

The Trump administration sent a new guide to all 4.2 million federal employees this week with helpful guidance on how to talk. Not only are "global warming" and "climate change" banned from use -- "These are antiquated ideas for nerds and crybabies," the guide says -- but so are phrases like "the science shows that...," "public health" and "the Russians."

"The Trump administration loves freedom, and we want you to speak freely, but only with the right words," the guide's introduction says. "You heard the president say it during the campaign. He's got the best vocabulary, the best words, so let's follow his example!"

Other guidance for speeches and government documents calls for a mandatory, 80-percent increase in the use of "great," "jobs" and "great, bigly jobs."

Apocalypse-ready pika

Wildlife Hastily Adopting 'Apocalypse-proof' Mutations

A new study reveals that, since Nov. 8, 2016, several American wildlife species have begun to rapidly evolve mutations to gird against potential apocalypse.

"It's the damndest thing," said one federal wildlife scientist, who would only speak anonymously because she's not sure whether scientists are still allowed in the Trump administration. "It's as if they know something we don't."

Pikas, possums and raccoons have all been observed with emerging outer shells capable of withstanding a nuclear blast. Dolphins have started to develop skin impermeable to spilled oil. Migratory birds have departed for Canada and not returned.

Other species, including some humans, have been observed simply huddling in dark, quiet places.

Prairie dogs on hot dog

Reclassified as Condiment, Prairie Dogs Can Be Eaten

In an attempt to capitalize on the popularity of late President Ronald Reagan -- whose Department of Agriculture famously attempted to classify relish as a vegetable in order to cut corners on children's school lunches -- the Trump White House has declared various rare and tasty species, including prairie dogs, to actually be condiments.

The prairie dogs can now be gobbled at will in combination with hamburgers, sloppy Joes and frankfurters, the White House said. In addition, since the small, fat mammals can be difficult to catch, condiment-gathering methods -- which traditionally have been limited to tomato harvest, mustard farming, etc. -- will soon be expanded, in consultation with the NRA.

Endangered Species Condoms at the White House

10,000 Endangered Species Condoms Sent to White House

Hint, hint.

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Photo credits: "Coal in the bedroom" graphic based on photos by Amcyrus2012/Wikimedia and sasint/Pixabay; "how to talk guide" graphic based on photo by Bill Ingalls/NASA; "pika prepared for apocalypse" graphic based on photo by Alan D. Wilson/Nature's Pics Online; "prairie dog condiments" graphic based on photos by James Marvin Phelps/Flickr, The Q Speaks/Flickr, Chris Branch/Flickr, Klaus Lechten/Flickr, galactic_ac/Flickr, jangray1985/Flickr, and Mindy/Flickr; "Endangered Species Condoms at the White House" graphic based on photo courtesy U.S. Office of the Speaker.

Center for Biological Diversity
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