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Center for Biological Diversity

No. 820, April 1, 2016

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Trump Comb-over Protected as Habitat for 300 Endangered Species

Donald Trump comb-over critical habitatThe U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service this week confirmed rumors that the comb-over wilderness atop the pate of presidential contender Donald J. Trump is indeed "critical habitat" for more than 300 endangered species. Among them is a rare subspecies of mite, Pityrosporum ovale, with an uncanny ability to survive in white-hot proximity to hubris, shamelessness and maximum buffoonery.

The Greater Trump Tundra ("The greatest ecosystem you're ever going to see, absolutely the BEST," Mr. Trump says), is also reportedly home to two species of owls, a jumping mouse, a flightless flying squirrel, three kinds of blind salamanders and a spotted frog. All are endemic to the region and spend their entire lifespan in Trump's face and coiffure, where they hatch, eat, mate and ultimately die. All have evolved to become completely deaf, a mutation scientists speculate is vital to their survival.

Swipe Wild: Dating Service Launched for Lonely Wildlife

Wildlife dating serviceIsn't it pathetic to see a California condor flying around all by her lonesome? And what about a grizzly bear who can't find his love match? Or a vaquita all gussied up with no one to notice because there are only 50 left in the ocean?

Once again the Center for Biological Diversity has come to the rescue. We just launched the world's first dating service for endangered species. We won't bore you with all the details, but suffice it to say we're hooking up critters left and right using social media, sophisticated algorithms and intraspecies classifieds for the lovelorn.

California condor: "Carrion-loving scavenger with bald pink head and singular facial features seeks same for summer soaring." Ozark shiner: "I'm off the hook! Find out why..." Fuzzy pigtoe mussel: "Horny but misunderstood bivalve seeks water-sports mischief."

As usual we were savaged by our critics. There were admittedly some small glitches in the rollout week, including a dwarf seahorse that was accidentally set up with a San Joaquin kit fox and rapidly consumed. But we're learning.

Wildlife Services Begins Trapping Program for Elusive Koch Brothers

Koch brothers caricature by DonkeyHoteyThe federal animal-killing program known as "Wildlife Services" -- an arm of the U.S. Department of Agriculture previously known for its killing of up to 3 million native animals every year -- has apparently turned over a new leaf. Leaked documents acquired by the Center show the program's agents have identified fresh quarry: infamous right-wing kingmakers Charles and David Koch.

The Kochs are currently being lured into live traps with the promise of conniving middlemen, compromised politicians, phony front groups and erotic recordings of Citizens United read aloud by Dick Cheney. Trail cameras near the traps have captured blurry images of bipedal reptilians in ill-fitting suits, but thus far the traps have remained all too empty.

"I've captured eels with my bare hands and sparrows with lassos, but nothing has been as tough as catching a Koch," said Eddie "Slick" Roberts, a veteran Wildlife Services trapper. "Worst-case scenario? We bring out the big guns, pulling them in with sticky buns and Matlock reruns. We're cautiously optimistic."

Meat-reduction Campaign Offers Kale-lentil Muffins to Hungry Wolves

Wolf enjoying vegan muffinThe Center's innovative Take Extinction Off Your Plate campaign -- aimed at reducing meat consumption for the sake of people's and the planet's health -- announced today it would be baking 10,000 kale-lentil muffins and delivering them to needy gray wolves across the West.

"These wolves have great potential as vegans," said Stephanie Feldstein, our population and sustainability program director. "They're intelligent, social and use only natural care products. Just once a week, we're asking them to substitute a healthy plant-based alternative for, say, the freshly killed elk they might normally haul snarling to the family table."

Volunteers will deliver the treats to wolf packs in Oregon, Washington and several states in the Interior West, traveling by foot, rickshaw and sometimes unicycle to keep the campaign's carbon footprint low.

Suit Filed Over EPA Declaration That Smooth Jazz Is "Perfectly Safe"

Smooooooth jazzThe Center went to federal court this week to challenge the Environmental Protection Agency's recent finding that smooth jazz is "perfectly safe" for people and wildlife. Our lawsuit, filed on behalf of all species with auditory systems, notes that the EPA approved the consumption of smooth jazz without fully analyzing its effects on brain function, appetite, small motor skills and fight-or-flight reflexes.

The lawsuit is particularly timely following troubling news reports that smooth jazz is being used on laboratory animals and schoolchildren in an effort to elicit feelings of powerless and subordination masquerading as pleasure. The EPA's recent approval of smooth jazz for indoor and outdoor uses across all 50 states is viewed as a dangerous precedent for a variety of applications, including high-volume pulses to shatter underground formations to extract oil.

"The sad fact is that there's no safe level of smooth jazz for anyone," said Lori Ann Burd, who spearheads the Center's toxics campaigns. "We're not opposed to some recreational use at home -- it's a free country, after all -- but this opens the door for potentially industrial-scale application of smooth jazz. If we don't intervene, we may well see some of the best minds of our generation eaten alive by Kenny G's sax."

Kierán Suckling
Executive Director

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Photo credits: Illustration of Trump comb-over created with photo by Michael Vado, Flickr; “Swipe Wild” illustration created with photo of condor courtesy Scott Flaherty/USFWS; Koch brothers caricature by DonkeyHotey, Flickr; wolf and muffin illustration based on Mexican wolf photo by Joe Parks (Flickr) and muffin photo by Nathan Cooke (Flickr); smooth jazz illustration based on photo of sunset by chrisdetmer, Flickr.

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