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The Endangered Species Act Works

The Onion, November 7, 2008

Peregrine Falcon Acting Pretty Cocky Since Being Taken Off Endangered Species List

WASHINGTON—Only a few short years after being removed from the endangered species list, the American peregrine falcon—once considered a creature of nobility and grace—has transformed into an "unappreciative jerk," wildlife experts reported Monday.

According to workers at the Peregrine Fund, a nonprofit organization dedicated to protecting falcons around the world, the predatory bird has exhibited a complete change in attitude since its resurgence. Animal advocates have reportedly observed the falcon flaunting its magnificent 3.5-foot wingspan, nesting arrogantly atop nearby cliffs, and generally acting like "king shit" wherever it goes.

"For decades, the peregrine falcon faced a very real and very serious threat," U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service deputy director Rowan Gould said. "There was a time when many of us feared we would never see this majestic creature again, when we did everything in our power to ensure that this marvel of nature would be around for generations to come."

Added Gould, "If only we'd known then what cocky little pricks they'd turn out to be."

In recent months, the peregrine falcon has continued to infuriate environmentalists by reclaiming its habitat without so much as a simple thank you, frequently and loudly mating in everyone's face, and hunting prey off the coast of Maine as though it were "master of the fucking skies."

In addition, the blue-gray member of the Falconiformes order has put off dozens of its once-ardent supporters by reportedly just sitting there like it was invincible and never once on the brink of extinction.

"How about showing a little gratitude, pal?" said Dr. Michael Halpern, a behavioral ecologist and noted naturalist. "We didn't have to save you, you know. There were plenty of other species on that list that would've loved our help. Hundreds of other species that would've damn near polished our knobs had we chosen to save them."

Despite battling back from near extinction, the peregrine falcon—known for its distinctive white markings and "pompous fat face"—is reportedly not out of danger just yet. According to Halpern, the predatory bird could still be wiped out by a number of environmental factors, including the use of agricultural pesticides, increased deforestation in rural areas, changing climates, or, perhaps, a series of well-deserved beatings to the head.

"You think you're so fucking stately, don't you?" Halpern continued. "Well, we'll see how stately you look after I put my foot up your cloaca."

Moved by the peregrine falcon's arrogant resurgence, thousands of angered wildlife advocates have been working day and night to put the flourishing species back on the endangered list. A petition to "Teach That Conceited Shit Some Manners" has reportedly garnered 30,000 signatures in less than two days, and an effort has begun to change the falcon's scientific designation from Falco peregrinus to Fatso perestupidjerk.

"Time is running out," said World Wildlife Fund director Margaret Weiss, standing before a photo of the bird, which she then spit on and angrily tore apart. "Every minute we waste is another minute the peregrine falcon thinks it's better than us! Every minute we fail to act is another minute the peregrine falcon spends strutting around like Mr. Fucking Hollywood!"

"Think about your grandchildren," Weiss added. "Do you want them to grow up in a world filled with these assholes?"

Unless its attitude changes, the peregrine falcon may soon join several other animals back on the endangered list, including a thankless species of sea turtle, and a class of dung beetle that really, really had it coming.

© Copyright 2008 Onion Inc.

Photo © Paul S. Hamilton