Men With Copious Back Hair Among First Predicted to Perish as Climate Warms; Center Petitions to Protect Them
A recent study shows that, among humans, those with furry back pelts fare worst when exposed to the rising temperatures expected to be wrought by climate change over the coming century. The study, commissioned by a hair-removal product company, placed hirsute men in a closed space and turned up the heat relentlessly. Scientists then measured exactly how long it took the bear-like gentlemen to collapse from heat exhaustion/beg for mercy.
As a result of the study, the Center for Biological Diversity has filed a legal petition to have back-hairy men declared a "distinct population segment" and afforded Endangered Species Act protection.
"Federal protection for men with superhairy backs is really important," said back-hairy man Tad Stimp of St. Paul, Minn. "Without hairy-backed men, our world would be a much sadder, lonelier place. The human race might even die out, I mean, chicks really dig back fur. For the good of humanity, we have to save guys like me."
Major Enviro Groups Strike Compromise With Retail Giants, Exchanging Life on Earth for Sale of Energy-efficient Hair Dryers
A coalition of national green groups announced a breakthrough deal yesterday to "work together with multinational partners in a proactive, solution-based incentive program" that will allow the corporations to destroy 25 percent of life on Earth in exchange for an ambitious program to develop and sell hair dryers that are 25 percent more energy efficient than previous models.
"We're very excited," said coalition leader Riehl Jagoff, which led the extremely friendly, catered negotiation session. "This is a win-win for all of us, as well as the market. The market, and all of us, will benefit hugely from this incredibly advantageous compromise. It's no good seeking conflict when you can have no conflict at all -- not even a single second of the slightest personal discomfort. We're very proud of our work here. Also, the market."
Elimination of plants and animals, already underway, is scheduled to be completed during the End Times; elimination of air and water will follow. Hair dryers will be available for purchase in the next two weeks.
Frat Boy Thinks Endangered Species Condoms Are for Species to Use; Attempts to Place on Polar Bear
Chad Thurston III, a freshman in the college fraternity Omega Omega Pi Sigma at the University of Alaska Barrow, last week attended a party at which he was given one of the Center for Biological Diversity's Endangered Species Condoms. According to local news sources, the intoxicated collegian promptly studied the condom packet -- which depicted a polar bear and the legend "Wrap with care... save the polar bear" -- and then set out across the region's frozen wastes in a Hummer recently purchased for him by his father.
On phone video captured by one of his fraternity brothers, Mr. Thurston can be seen grappling with a polar bear, upon whom he was attempting to place the condom. Both bear and college student miraculously escaped unscathed -- in Thurston's case likely because he was garbed in a high-end dog-training bite suit. Said Thurston later: "I woulda done it, man. I totally coulda done it. If that bear hadn't been a chick."
Renaissance Painting, Newly Restored, Reveals Startlingly Accurate Map of 2013 Arctic Ice Cracks
A famous work by Baroque master Caravaggio, recently restored at London's Museum of Classical Art, surprised observers when layers of filth and paint were removed to reveal an intricate, completely accurate satellite map of sea-ice cracks in the Arctic in the year 2013 -- more than four centuries after the painting was originally completed.
The masterpiece Narcissus at the Source depicts the handsome youth of Greek myth who died because he fell hopelessly in love with himself. The painting, which traditionally showed Narcissus staring at a reflection of his own beautiful, egotistical face, was wiped clean of dirt, dust and other buildup and now clearly shows, instead of that reflected face, a photorealistic map of the thousands of massive cracks in the ice covering the North Pole's ocean, currently melting due to human-induced global warming.
"An interesting, yet puzzling discovery," said art historian and professor Sebastian St. John-Smythe. "What can it mean? The message here is highly mysterious. We'll have to study it at great length."
Republican Congressman Tweets Love of Earth
In a passionate statement of his love of the wild world and its richness and diversity, Republican Rep. Steve Stockman -- the self-described "most conservative congressman in Texas" -- recently garnered attention from venues like Vanity Fair and The Huffington Post for tweeting the following delicate paean to nature: "The best thing about the Earth is if you poke holes in it oil and gas come out."
Read more in Vanity Fair.
Photo credits: Frat bro, polar bear and a very bad idea photo illustration by Clayton Norman and Jessica Herrera, Center for Biological Diversity with images courtesy Pete Spruance, Flickr/Tess Shebaylo, Adam Edmond and James Stringer; back hair courtesy Flickr/tunnelarmr; solar powered blow dryer photo illustration by Jessica Herrera, Center for Biological Diversity with images courtesy Flickr/equinoxefr and Craige Moore; Endangered Species Condoms design (c) Lori Lieber and artwork (c) Roger Peet; Caravaggio's Narcissus at the Source with Arctic ice cracks photo illustration by A Team; Stockman in Love with Earth photo illustration by Anna Mirocha, Center for Biological Diversity with images courtesy U.S. Congress and Flickr/Ram Reddy.
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